[Disclaimer: The Friday Night Rant is just that, a rant. It contains extemporaneous remarks which are not to be confused with this site's journalism or more serious editorial opinions. It is meant to be an entertaining take on the industry and may be divisive in nature.]

[Disclaimer #2: This article contains both satire and irony]

So apparently a few idiots jammed their HDMI cables into their PS4s too hard and broke their HDMI port. That caused the internet to quake beneath the rage of people who were waiting for the slightest bad headline to pounce on Sony and pronounce doom and gloom. The cesspool of a comments section over at IGN ignited with idiocy. I’d love to post some of it here for your inspection but we have content standards.

How these rants got around those standards is a trade secret I’m afraid I can’t share :)

At any rate, if you plan to enlist in the current console war and spend your free time and energy tossing yourself up against the walls of reason and decency you’ve come to the right place. When conducting such a war one must avoid pitfalls such as making extreme claims with no evidence, and also be prepared to accurately boast about your chosen system.

First things first, as we saw in a recent South Park episode it is a bad idea to make it about the people. Don’t make it personal, no matter how much somebody pisses you off. Not only is it bad form but it makes you bitter and plants the seeds of grudges that end up getting you banned from your favorite sites. The best thing to do about people who are enjoying gaming on the wrong system is to accept their lifestyle choice and try to convert them a little bit at a time. Here’s a quote that should help:

“Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?” – Abraham Lincoln

Deep huh? He has a great one about his axe too but later for that. Now let’s break down our arguments against each side in this war.

playahate

If you hate the PS4 then there are a number of ways to go. I would wait a little while before claiming the HDMI problem or the Red Line of Death as a major platform for your hate. When Sony fans attacked Xbox 360 for the Red Ring of Death it was justified because the system failure rate quickly became catastrophic and the argument held weight. So sit on those awhile.

A better avenue is the popularity of the system. Use buzzwords like “mainstream” in negative ways. Consider yourself and your Xbox One as the scrappy underdogs in this fight. Be sure to argue that as long as Xbox is the preferred console in America that is enough to make it number 1, the rest of the world be damned.

Sony is still figuring out how to do online stuff well, be sure to tout how much better Xbox Live is whether or not you have any proof to offer on the matter. People just assume it is because you had to pay for it for a long time. On that note, be sure to hit Sony for stopping their free online play policy. Never mind the irony, Microsoft always charged for online.

When it comes to the games there’s a lot to make fun of. The PS4 lineup is basically Knack, a child’s platformer and Killzone: Shadow Fall, an FPS that you can probably get away with calling “generic”. Doesn’t matter if it’s true, both games are getting mixed reviews and you can use those to back up your arguments. In the mean time you’ve got a much more robust launch and launch window lineup. Be sure to list these titles and then list the lame indie title that Sony is relying on. You’ll look like a champ.

Last but not least, keep reminding them that the cloud will make everything even better for you later on.

haters-gonna-hate

If you are against the Xbox One then you definitely want to talk about power and longevity. When it comes to power there is just no disputing that the PS4 is the stronger animal. Microsoft has spent the last few months disputing it anyway, but to no avail. When you do your hating be sure to bring up all the 720p resolutions for games on Xbox One, highlighting multiplatform titles like Call of Duty: Ghosts. When 360 had a multiplat edge over PS3 Sony fans hated it because it was true. If you can make a frames per second argument then by all means do it. Go to Wikipedia to learn just a little bit about tech and then repeat it to people to explain how PS4 is more powerful. It doesn’t really matter if it makes sense to you, because it’s true you will win the argument. Then laugh when they tell you the cloud will make it all better for them. Use phrases like “Xbox One Point Five” and “Xbox 720p.” Remind them that the PS4 will always have better multiplats due to the amazing technology in it. (You may have to swat some PC gamers off your face when claiming this.)

It’s true that the PS4 has an architecture much more like a PC, but there’s no reason to let that hinder your attacks. Go ahead and cite the great leaps that previous Playstation consoles have had between early gen and late gen games. Xbox doesn’t have any such track record, their architecture has always been wide open from the start. When it comes to support Playstation has always had the edge, when Xbox 360 was well and truly burnt out and dry of meaningful exclusive content the PS3 just kept getting great stuff.

And that leads to software. PS4 may have a slim launch lineup now, but you know that the greatness which continues to await will eventually arrive. Uncharted, The Last of Us, inFamous, Quantic Dream projects, God of War, The Order 1886, Gran Turismo, The Last Guardian, LittleBigPlanet, more Killzone, new IPs. The exclusives will come, and they will be amazing. Everybody knows it. Just keep telling your enemies about it. Sony has a lot of first party studios and Microsoft has very few, it’s just a matter of math. Toward the end of the last gen all Xbox had was Gears, Halo and Forza. Microsoft is purchasing third party games to look better at launch, like they always do, but with PS4 at the top of the sales charts you know even Microsoft won’t be able to afford exclusivity in perpetuity. Yup, later on you can probably expect Titanfall and Dead Rising sequels to mosey on over. So go ahead and write off Xbox One’s launch lineup as a result of the deep pockets of MS and their combative business practices.

Gamers tend to like gaming consoles, not so much with the multimedia hubs. Sure people avail themselves of those services, but the hardest of the hardcore gamer are the ones going nuts online and you definitely want to hit them in the face with the fact that the Xbox One is a media device first and a gaming console second. This argument is backed up by both developers and reputable press sources; bam you win.

Lastly, hit the price point button as often as possible. The cost of PS3 hurt it for years.

There you have it folks, just a few of the many issues from which to cull your hateful arguments. Now get out there and devastate your enemies. How dare they play games on the wrong console! Go forth and twerk at them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Viperswhip

    What about those of us on the PC who see console gamers as idiotic droolers who have leeched income and resources away from PC game development, at at best the UI of PC games is fucking broken because the games are all dual developed and we don’t fully utilize the keyboard and mouse super control scheme?

    Heh long question. My rage over this issue has long since subsided, but don’t prove me right for jumping on me for having an opinion.

  • therecanbeonlyone

    The end of gaming. Everything is shifting online, and I wont buy your shitty console, I don’t even want one for free, that goes to both sony and microsoft. I only play offline. Its the same game, just different package and skins. Developers suck, and many went bankrupt. SNES is still the best console hands down.